Every day, every hour, every moment we spend is a struggle, to be wanted by someone, to be some one’s need, even someone’s desire. To be accepted by large.
We found out that there is no age, caste, gender bias to this feeling. It could start during high school, when you do not have a big gang of friends or no one asks you out for prom. It could happen at college where you don’t have your old friends around and somehow you don’t think you’ll find your kind of people. It could also be at work where an already established company with their old set of employees are so lost in each other that they don’t even acknowledge you as a new joiner! And most commonly it happens when your partner does not really need you or feel the want for you to be around.
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It is the worst feeling to not be wanted by the person you want the most in your life. We spoke to a recently divorced woman who believed that she is rejected and unwanted by anyone who she got attached to, because it was her spouse that called of the wedding hence giving her the feeling of being walked out on. We met a man who could never get over that unwanted feeling which crept in him while his parents only focused on his younger brother and not him. Its like in the book ‘Big Girl’ by Danielle Steel the lead was told to be a tester cake of the parents as they showered their love and affection on the younger daughter. A tester cake is a sample/experiment project which has gone wrong before the final perfect trial! The emotion of being unwelcome / unwanted can be sprouting from childhood trauma and can be because of current relationship problems.
It becomes one of the greatest relationship achievements when your partner expresses how much he/she needs you in their life. How much they want you around all the time. It is an addiction in its own way to be somebody’s desire. We spoke to a workaholic’s wife about love and she said, “Love might or might not exist all I understand is that I am his habit, maybe someday you can do without love but habits, they die hard.” So is it safe to say that we need not make someone fall in love with us? Instead, we must get them habituated to having us around so much, that they cannot function without us? Some food for thought!
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The feeling of being unwanted like most other emotions is a creation of our own mind, not the heart because the heart is too simple to create and base itself on such a conditional/complex emotion.
It is therefore a state of mind and not a heartfelt feeling. Then, that also means that feeling unwanted, does not actually equal to being not needed.
It is a situation we create in our heads and it is controllable by us. And if we can control that thought, then why should we base our behaviour and future actions only to make somebody want us? Exactly what we derived in our previous post, that our happiness is based on being content with our self. So if you think you need to better yourself for you, then go for it. But if it is only to get that feeling of being needed then changing yourself is not a good idea.
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Parting thought: ‘You cannot make somebody love you, either they already do or they never did!’ More on this and other relationship advice coming up soon…